This Is The Way It Is.

hah.. I lie to myself often

2008-10-02T23:42:00.001-07:00

So it gets harder.
much harder than it seams.
trying not to go crazy.
trying not to scream.
walking foot over foot.
tripping and sending my mind colliding.
I find myself shedding tears.
I botttle them up everymorning.
making sure nobody sees my fears.
I find myself wondering.
even when I am familar.
knowing not wear I am.
Or where I am going.
I am lost where I stand
With my thoughts in the air.
Wish I could breathe.
I forgot what I was thinking.
trying to see what it is I was dreaming.
I forgot why I lived.
to Create and to think.
a colorfull mess of dye in the sink.
A freedom I can't give up.
A freadom I have messed up.
and so I say to myself.
with words to calm what I think.
Try not to go Crazy.
Try hard not to scream.
Put one foot in front of the other.
Because it's not as hard as it seams.

LLJ! - Loving Lipstick Jungle

2008-09-30T23:53:00.000-07:00

I swear... since i worked in the fashion class a few years back my stly has jumped from badass goth girl too fabulously fashion.
I cannot help myself.
I used to go on buying frenzies too Hot Topic, Value Village, Walmart, and Joannes.. all to make my look.. no I go on buying frenzies to Lane Bryant, Macy's, Nordstroms, and Sephora to make a look happen.. don't forget Love Culture, Claires, and XXI Forever (forever 21 for those not privaledged to have one of the bigger Forever 21 stores) for all my must have jewelry.. because sometimes Macy's just isn't enough and Norstroms cost too much at times :P
I surprise my self in the looks i pull of.. occasionally shedding a couple tears to the mirror with envy of what i have done.. i look fab .. no.. double fab.. and all I need now is my black booties, a new job, and insurance for a car that will also.. hopefully.. not be a beat up mini-van like I am now in possession of.

oh.. I feel Macy's.com calling me to look at jewelry and christmas items.
Money.. what money.. i have no money left after working in the mall.. it all goes to the stores.. note to self.. need new stuff from M.A.C., Black House White Market, Coach, H&M (I will force myself into that store at some point... ugg)

Yo! i'm not Bo-Yo!

2008-09-09T01:56:00.000-07:00

lol.. you know I am not Bo-Yo.. i just thought his stuff on youtube was funny.. and have been humming "3.14 apple pi" all day.

Youtube is slowly becoming my addiction.. and so is e-bay.. and money.. amazing how making money helps. I get sucked into stuff and feeling the need to buy stuff. i need to stop that.. no. really. I have $22 in my account.. and got payed on Thursday.. hmm. bad

I don't work for Highline anymore btw... they laid me off in March because they didn't have enough money to pay me.. I was going to sign up with the school district again.. but since i don't have my car running... I didn't re-register. boo-hoo bo-yo.

have found some amazing artists lately.. Kina Grannis, Marie Digby, Missy Higgins, Malvina Reynolds, Bitter:Sweet, Misty Edwards, Ingrid Michealson.. and lots more.... like LOTS more...

Lipstick Jungle.. my FAVORITE show comes back in like.. 2 weeks.. on the 24th of September... which is bad.. because the Finale of RENT the musical is playing at the theater in the mall I work at that night.. uggg! I might just have to go and then watch Lipstick Jungle when I get home.. aggg! I can't believe I might miss it.. but its important to see the Finale!!! RENT is no longer on Broadway... *slight cry*

LA LA LA LA LA LA!

2007-12-24T05:11:00.000-08:00

I love soundtracks! Wicked! Enchanted! Rent! next I need Hairspray and The Lion King (music from the Broadway production) and the soundtrack from Spring Awakening..... I love show tunes... soundtracks.... I love music ^_^

I should probably say....

2007-12-18T01:05:00.000-08:00

I should probably say... for one.. whiskey is not good.. and it just.. is.. ewww.... and gets me drunk to fast.. even though I am too young... but it was testing.. I am very lucky i didnt wake up with a hang over.

for two... I have Carpal Tunnel.. not kidding I have to where this fun brace on my hand.. because I do not have the time nor money to go and get surgery done on my hand.

three. I miss my friends.. and I am so glad to have a few of them home for Christmas! Its amazing being near them again.. and its wonderful having Bri here... even though i don't get to talk to her much.. its good too know that she is okay after the shooting at her church in Colorado.

Four... I need my paycheck.. soon.. before everything sells out.. grrrrrrr.

Eep!

2007-12-10T00:44:00.000-08:00

See here is the thing.. I don't ever check this account.. cause I mainly only check my Live journal.. because its set up to directly send stuff to my Yahoo.com e-mail.. while this one sends to my gmail.com e-mail.. so if you comment.. I really wont see it very fast...

newer news.. almost new boyfriend.. which I am trying to keep away.. for reasons I shall not explain...

church.. is amazing.. serisouly.... It has been turning me around in my tracks.. almost weirdly.. seriously.. to see me in gothy cloths anymore.. its kinda scary.. I still like them dark.. and black.. but I would say I am more of a preppy funky dresser... a bit of punk....a touch more classy.... but less glitzy... and jeans.. God performed a miracle when he made Lane Bryant's Right fit Jeans... I have never been more happier then when the lady said I was a size five Average. ^_^ w00t! and they come in Flare! hahahaha! so awesome!!! and they make my butt look amazing! ... I don't care if you didn't need to know that, I want to shout it from the rooftops! I have a sexy butt!

Dad is doing much better.. He is back to his old self and after 3 months of not working the let him go back to work around the middle of November.. which was really nice... Me and him had a lot of bonding time.. and I feel I got to know him more because I was able to just chill with him at home... He was also really thankful that even though Doug wouldn't... I went with him to every doctors appointment.. not because I he wanted me too.. but because i wanted someone there with him when he went.. in case something happened.. and for moral support.. it meant a lot to him that I stood by his side.

I got a raise within the school district.. I was getting paid $9.39 per hour... now I am getting $10.53.. it super cool... I love working for them.. I think.. they are one of the best schools in the Highline School District.. I love them.. and their staff party's are wayyyy fun :P

at Hallmark we are training tons of new girls.. like maybe 6... and we have a returner... that went and left to go to college two years ago.. who is now back and I get to help re train her. she is awesome. The other people are swiftly getting the hand of things because of all the holiday shoppers... but we are scheduling them for earlier shifts because of their level of expertise... I being one of them... will be closing every night every night for a week before Christmas.. did I mention we don't leave till 11:30 pm... which means i don't get to sleep till.... 112am.. and I have to get up at 5am to go to work at10 till 7 to sub.. then from there leave and head to work to work at Hallmark... I have to do that for about 5 days... this will be fun...... >.<

Oh.. I am still reading and painting.. I finished all my books except one.. which I am halfway through.. I got side tracked with the two jobs.. but I am reading Digital Fortress by Dan brown.. once I finish I need to head to Borders.. I have a ton of new History, Art, Theatre, and Fiction books I need to buy... most likely $250 worth of books.. then I head next door, If I go to Borders, and buy new watercolors, canvases, and paintbrushes.. because I am almost out of paints.. and these ones are horrible.. they are Crayola.. because I was feeling artsy.. but I had no time to get to the nearest Joannes to get new paint.. nor did I have the money.

well I better get off the computer.. I just spent over $300 on cloths.. and need to conserve energy so I don't have to pay extra on a huge bill I already know will be huge.. bills suck.. I am finding that out slowly.. I really hate bills.. they suck my money dry. X(

Wow

2007-09-10T03:01:00.000-07:00

Hello blog...
How have you been?
Hows the the other blogs? Are they treating you okay? Good Good. It's Lovely to hear that.
oh, Me? Well.. I have my ups and downs.... oh like what.. um.. do you want the up or downs first?
Downs, of course you do.. alright.. I'll list them for you.

I'm scared about college in the fall.
I have No money to move out or go to college with
I am afraid i will be in pedestrian mode forever and have to be sneaked into it by a hurt dog like in that clueless episode from the 4th grade
my dad had a artery to his haert collapse
then he had a heart attack
my dad has a 50 percent working heart
they might put in a pacemaker.. that will have a 50 /50 chance of helping him or killing him...
if it works he and my mom will move to Eastern Washington and leave me out here by myself.
Pressures of youth Leader are catching up... and I am feeling inadequate in the many position they have given me.
I am still haunted about my past.. not so much.. but more so into the fact i wont even let HIM touch me now.
I feel like i have been out of school for so long that going back now would be a waste and that i would loose all of my brain knowledge i spent so long working with Pina, McSweeny, and Victoria on learning this past year... and the the math help I will not get again from Heather...
I miss heather.. in a not so crushy way anymore... but in a way that if i saw her it would certainly take my breath for at least a couple seconds.. before i realized what i was thinking.. and then mentally hitting myself upside the head.
I got passed up for the supervisor position at work .. because i didn't have a car.. but i do have a car.. it just only goes backwards.. and i don't have a license.
All my best friends have moved onto college and bigger and better things.. i'm lucky if I get phone calls on occasion from them.

What? you think I'm rambling.. oh you have no idea... oh.. yeah.. i can tell you about the good stuff...

Epic 07 was amazing and opened my life up to a lot of things i haven't thought about before.
I spent close to $ 200
on books and I plan to read them all by the end of the year.. meanwhile sharing them with he rest of the Hallmark Gals I work with.
My dads heart is working at 50% which is higher then the two weeks ago that it was at 28%.
I have made a goal to be more spontaneous.. and I am sticking too it.
I am currently reading Wicked.. a book that i wanted to read for thee years now.. and i am oh so HAPPY to finally be reading it.
I have earned and picked up the nasty habit of annotating in my books.. the good ones.. and have scanned pages of post-its and page number about info i think is interesting... and despite it being nasty.. it helps me to calm down and put my mind to use when i am on 1 hour breaks at hallmark.
I have a new job with the Highline School District as a Clerical Substitute and my orientation is coming up very soon.
because of this new job i will be able to get my license and my insurance for my car...
I have stopped drinking monster... and have been clean of it for almost three weeks.. although.. i feel the need to buy it.... as much as I do a cigarette... I know its bad.. but they feel so good against my lips.
It seems this is the summer for boys to hit on me since any boy has being doing so.. and i have had many offers.. but only one I accepted on.. which turned into a 2 week long period of no talking because each others friends kept telling us stories about one another.. and we have been trying to change.. so figured we might as well just not date... and we are still on speaking term.. which is cool.
I have been letting the barrista's at Starbucks order my drinks for me.. because it fun to try different drinks....
I have taken up a hobby in letter writing to my friends away at college... and actually trying to be more social.. now that I don't have the back drop of school to help me...
Last year I got a 3.9 GPA for the year... and I am still celebrating it.. because i feel after thirteen years I am finally as smart as my teachers claim me to be.. alright.. three teachers did... the other ones put it down because they put that on everyones.

alright blog.. i need sleep.. i have to be up early to mail out letters, go with my dad to the doctors... grab lunch.. call HSD.. and then get to work over at Hallmark.

Tata!

Yes!

2006-10-13T14:30:00.001-07:00

So my grades have finnaly popped back into my life after .. like... 12 years of pitiful!
I guess those 8 hour homework nights have really been paying off... well.. that and wanting to maintain those grades because of a cru..... nevermind.
I HAVE A 4.0! Yes! I don't think I have ever been so happy!
My mom and brother know.. but my dad doesn't. He's supposed to find out on monday :P My teacher said shes going to like bullshit him and make him think i have bad grades and then tell him in this uber serious tone that i have good grades and its not to be taken lightly. Hahahha!
well.. i just have to say one thing more... or two.
I love OSC. I hate what the homework does to me but i am finally seeing those results that i want and I am now loving it.
My teachers actully like my essays too! can you believe it? 5 essays assigned one day. due the next.. and he loved them all. granted i read back through them and they had typos up the ying yang... but i still got 20 over 19 on them! w00t!

w00f is not the same as w00t

2006-09-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

Normally I am happ. VERY happy. because have times to find things to make me happy.

right now?

I have time to look at plant and smiling faces of other people that are happy and thats about it. not that that doesn't make me enjoy life anymore, cause it does, i just wish i could find more things.

OSC has been draing the daylights out of me. I have homework each night for 8 hours.. wich i need to start doing again becausse i have been putting it off for two nights. *sigh* but just get so tired .. I have to work and then come home at 10pm and have to cram 7 hours of homework into a spotof 5-6 hours so i can atleast be in bed by 1 or two.. simply so i can wake up by 4:30 am to do the same thing over again. ugg.

but the good news. Tristan is getting marriad.. October 28th.. and the drama nerds are throwing a party for her. i have been made Editor of the OSC Newsletter. I am the student Rep for the SAC ASB Council for MIT. I am the VITAL T.A.. October 7th I get to dress up as a pirate at my store. Yarr! life. But thats the way it is here.. its no longer a constant W00t! it is a w00f!

"Lets raise a glass to the bitter end"

2006-05-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

As the school year grows shorter i look back on the last four years with nothing but remorse.
There was so many things I could have done. So many opportunities i wish i would have never been scared to take on. The teachers were always so wonderful with pushing me to do the things I hated. i don't think i can say one teacher didn't atleast make me do one thing i didn't dislike doing. I do realise however that it is because of them pushing me that I am not a threepete sophmore.
I'm going to be sad next year.. all my friends will once again be gone, and I know for a fact I am going to miss them. when the school year started in the fall i missed my friends. Katie was no where in sight. Melissa, Jessica, Anna, Becky, Nick, Rachael.... so many i was seperated from or just couldn't see because they had graduated.
I can't help but think I let my class of '06 down. That i was one of the people that wasn't able to maintain the low standards of the schools I have attended since i was old enough to say "Mama fart". that it was because of my lack of time management skills and my over compinsating attention span (If I am not distracted i am to focused and become a harsh perfectionist) that i got myself into the trouble that i am in.
When senior year winds down in about 13 days or so the senior partys will happen. The senior banquet will be held to say congrats. The awards given out. and i will be, once again, left out of every descision my class is making.
The seniors that graduated always look back on there last year as a year that they felt so connected. like they had real value at the school. When i look back on my senior Quarter i feel just a pinch of that. and as much as i like pain it is not a pinch i like. I feel connected because i have always been connected, but when they leave to go to other states next year for college i will loose that.
As the final assignments roll out from the teachers minds. They type knowing we have gone through there classes for 4 years at this school. that were looking for a challenge. they ask for the chalenge. But when the challenge is layed infront of them it becomes clear they only want the teachers attention. I don't understand why they just dont put together a film with all the seniors in it with there advice to the juniors and sophmores on how to suceed in ACE or something.
For my crying is typical. i can't halp but feel ashmaed of how i have lived my life. My body is a perfect example. I lost a ton of weight. got recognition for it.. got fed up with the loose skin.. and started gaining it back. became everything i had been working against since sophmore year.
I started cutting myself again... this time in place i was sure no one would see.. felt the pain.. and loved it. drank a bit more.. enough to feel the burn and the numbing.. and loved it for the minutes it helped and hated the days after when the pianoo would bang out such loud notes my head couldn't keep up with my brain. I smoked a bit.. relished in the taste of burning whisping down my throat like a hot cobbweb.
When I look back at that even i feel sorry. I feel sorry i let myself down to that level but even more sorry i occasionally fall to that level.
Tomorrow i will turn 18. thats 16 years of schooling (im including preschool and baby genious courses)and i felt like i wasted almost every year of my life moaning bout something or complaining because i never know how to make my self feel better.
I thought for sure in sophmore year i had it figured out while i was standing on that cliff. while the water crashed against the rocks. while the speedboats wizzed around a mile away. That i had wasted every moment of my time. Had everything good in my life ripped away. and that it was my own stubborn fault that i couldn't change who I was. When i looked down at the water i saw myself.. not my reflection. But the destruction every crashing rippple that was made on the rocks below. I looked at it like my life. I was so hurt full to other when i was depressed. I didn't care.. i still don't but its to a less degree. i saw each ripple as the hurt going from person to person. as me just as a source for anguish and hurt. I wanted to end that. To this day i say thank you to my brother ex for stopping me... but i curse at night for letting her stop me.
how so many live would be differant. i wouldn't have hurt so many peoples feelings.. would have given my parents less to pay for... they wouldn't have to worry about college.
The truth is my parents never really enjoyed the idea of college. paying tons of money to go to a place to learn how to do a bunch of things white guys standards are measured at full force.
Its because of everything that i don't think i am even ready to go to college. that maybe teaching.. or learning anything with post HS education is a bad idea for me.
Everytime i have to sit down to write a paper of how my senior year wa.. what i leave my classmates.. what is it like being a senior paper i want to scream and run into the room crying. i think of so much at once. so much has happened and unlike them.. because they are the smart ones... i have to stay back and put myself through one year of me and other beating my emotional self to a even more pitiful state.

W00t!

2006-04-19T03:20:00.000-07:00

ohhh yeah! Finally Finished for the most part!. My goal is to put up a guest book, teacher Bios, and somehow get teacher homework listings for when those big honker assignments are assigned.

Squeee!

2006-04-19T02:26:00.000-07:00

I HAVE A "C" IN MATH!
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

okay.... so the teachers were right... i really did just need to apply myself to atleast getting help and not giving up when i didn't get it... but... yeah..... I got a "C" in geometry... omg.

I HAVE A "C" IN MATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merg

2006-03-27T16:08:00.000-08:00

remember that post about me probably spooking teachers by doing work.. yeah I probably really freaked them out today.. I actually did work.. in all of my classes... I am really sooppor sm4rt ;P

Blargg

2006-03-12T02:26:00.000-08:00

I feel bad for my teachers.
Why?
My moods have been jumping so much betwen depression and striving that they are probably all horribly confused.
One moment "Oh yeah, i can do that, no problem!"
Next "I can't do that!"
Helf the time i can't but thats only because i cant think straight at times.. and its getting worse.
So if you are a friend of mine and i haven't seen you in a while don't come up to me an expect me to know your name. Likewise with teachers.
Don't give me an assignment and hope i remember how to do it. because chances are I don't and i need a refresher on it...
Just give me step by step intsructions... give it to me with a smile.. don't look at me like I should know it.. cause that just makes me feel worse.
for my friends.. notice my struggle and politly say your name then hug me.. refreshing and reassuring is the best thing people can do for me.

Gah

2005-12-01T00:17:00.000-08:00

I'm am completely beating myself up about everything lately.. I think it all started when i asked to fill out the SCAD paperwork.. yeah shouldn't have done that.. I would have been told later i wouldn't have been graduating if i woldn't have...
so since then.. i have been slowly slipping into depression.
yay. go figure *scowls*
Its not that i don't try to stay out of it... its just that when it hits it consumes me and right now i have no will power to face it.
so right about now its that time were i go. "what ever my head wants to do, just let it do it." faze.. the whole slicing bit... wouldn't mind that back... downing monster then Vodka.. wouldn't mind that either... neither some other bad stuff.
I am seriously tempted to just get my fake ID from my friend Sarah at SU and start going back to the Vogue on Wednesdays and Fridays.... If not for the rough comments, smoke, and sexy boys in leather pants.. but for the roughness i feel afterwords... that feeling of "i can conquer just about anything now. "
I miss the music from the Vogue, the Mercury.. and even Studio 7... *sigh* STUDIO 7! I MISS studio 7. What the Flip!!
I have been slowly talking with a guy i met at the Vogue a few years back that has a masters with brain junk (i don't remember!) and he has actually gotten my body to accept pills.... I can't believe i was afraid to go and ask him to help (well be the first impression of:"you want a drink,
honey" might have thrown me off)
Honestly i am feeling so low i could go outside and sit on my old dogs grave, in the cold, and cry till sunrise and still not have left every tear unturned.
Wow.. I hate people that whine about themselves.. yet here i am doing it again. *sigh* I will never escape all this mess.
Grrr. Back to work on Ms. Howell's project for LA 12... Humanities as ACE likes to call it. *sigh* yet another change i will not get used to. its no longer Tyee, its ACE... gah... *sighs*
Give me an anti-depressant, monster, two shots vodka, and a motabolism booster and call me dead already.
Please.

Wow... Its been since... eyes bug out 2004!?!?!?!?

2005-10-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

*laughs at old posts*

I forgot even had a blog anymore... my main thing is to go on LiveJournal and post on there... Things have been so differant.. i have Job... I am "teaching" drama (teache would yell at me about that statement... but i don't care... for now, its the closest thing i can say to having you guys know what I mean)
I miss all my friends because I am so busy....
I have picked up three very bad habits and gotten rid of two... (not saying the two but the three are: Monster, Rocky Horor Picture Show, Kushiels Trilogy)
I have seen Tristan since my Last post... and miss her Horribly.... ^_^ can't wait to see her and Kaleigh in December ^_^_^_^_^_^!!!
that is all for now... I need sleep... BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Night Ya'll

hey'o

2004-09-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

a'har mateys and shiver me timbers. Ye remeber that pirate day is the 19th. a'har

I love to read!

2004-07-11T00:15:00.000-07:00

I have read all the books my mom had bought me for the summer in less then a month! jeez! lol! she said that they had to last me till September 12...LOL!...like that would EVER happen...books read:

Angus thongs and full frontal snogging
On the bright side i am now the girlfriend of a sex god
Knocked out by my nunga nungas
Dancing in my nuddy pants
Away laughing on a fast camel
Molly moons incrediable book of hypnotism
The couriouse incident of the dog in the night time
White oleander (MYABSOLUTE FAVORITE SO FAR!)
the earth my but and other big round things
harry potter and the order of the pheonix
a ring of endless light
a wrinkle in time
the lion the witch and the wardrobe
Starfeather

AND A BUNCH OF OTHER ONES I CANT REMEMBER! lol do you blame me? lol
if you have read any of these books please give me a hollor and we can talk about them!

Should I make this blog spot a plce for teenage Poetry?

2004-07-10T23:34:00.000-07:00

I write alot of poetry, I have also noticed an abundance of poetry by my friends and other people on the internat that go WAY un-noticed. If you would like for me to post you Poetry on my page please send an e-mail to me at:

Annajn5588@yahoo.com

~I need your name
~If you want e-mail put on it
~And a heading for th poem!

thank you for your interest! Hope this goes alright!

Hey!

2004-06-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

This is Annabelisa Shrine. I would just like to say hello to all the people out there in Hamburger-a-gogo land!