"Lets raise a glass to the bitter end"

As the school year grows shorter i look back on the last four years with nothing but remorse.
There was so many things I could have done. So many opportunities i wish i would have never been scared to take on. The teachers were always so wonderful with pushing me to do the things I hated. i don't think i can say one teacher didn't atleast make me do one thing i didn't dislike doing. I do realise however that it is because of them pushing me that I am not a threepete sophmore.
I'm going to be sad next year.. all my friends will once again be gone, and I know for a fact I am going to miss them. when the school year started in the fall i missed my friends. Katie was no where in sight. Melissa, Jessica, Anna, Becky, Nick, Rachael.... so many i was seperated from or just couldn't see because they had graduated.
I can't help but think I let my class of '06 down. That i was one of the people that wasn't able to maintain the low standards of the schools I have attended since i was old enough to say "Mama fart". that it was because of my lack of time management skills and my over compinsating attention span (If I am not distracted i am to focused and become a harsh perfectionist) that i got myself into the trouble that i am in.
When senior year winds down in about 13 days or so the senior partys will happen. The senior banquet will be held to say congrats. The awards given out. and i will be, once again, left out of every descision my class is making.
The seniors that graduated always look back on there last year as a year that they felt so connected. like they had real value at the school. When i look back on my senior Quarter i feel just a pinch of that. and as much as i like pain it is not a pinch i like. I feel connected because i have always been connected, but when they leave to go to other states next year for college i will loose that.
As the final assignments roll out from the teachers minds. They type knowing we have gone through there classes for 4 years at this school. that were looking for a challenge. they ask for the chalenge. But when the challenge is layed infront of them it becomes clear they only want the teachers attention. I don't understand why they just dont put together a film with all the seniors in it with there advice to the juniors and sophmores on how to suceed in ACE or something.
For my crying is typical. i can't halp but feel ashmaed of how i have lived my life. My body is a perfect example. I lost a ton of weight. got recognition for it.. got fed up with the loose skin.. and started gaining it back. became everything i had been working against since sophmore year.
I started cutting myself again... this time in place i was sure no one would see.. felt the pain.. and loved it. drank a bit more.. enough to feel the burn and the numbing.. and loved it for the minutes it helped and hated the days after when the pianoo would bang out such loud notes my head couldn't keep up with my brain. I smoked a bit.. relished in the taste of burning whisping down my throat like a hot cobbweb.
When I look back at that even i feel sorry. I feel sorry i let myself down to that level but even more sorry i occasionally fall to that level.
Tomorrow i will turn 18. thats 16 years of schooling (im including preschool and baby genious courses)and i felt like i wasted almost every year of my life moaning bout something or complaining because i never know how to make my self feel better.
I thought for sure in sophmore year i had it figured out while i was standing on that cliff. while the water crashed against the rocks. while the speedboats wizzed around a mile away. That i had wasted every moment of my time. Had everything good in my life ripped away. and that it was my own stubborn fault that i couldn't change who I was. When i looked down at the water i saw myself.. not my reflection. But the destruction every crashing rippple that was made on the rocks below. I looked at it like my life. I was so hurt full to other when i was depressed. I didn't care.. i still don't but its to a less degree. i saw each ripple as the hurt going from person to person. as me just as a source for anguish and hurt. I wanted to end that. To this day i say thank you to my brother ex for stopping me... but i curse at night for letting her stop me.
how so many live would be differant. i wouldn't have hurt so many peoples feelings.. would have given my parents less to pay for... they wouldn't have to worry about college.
The truth is my parents never really enjoyed the idea of college. paying tons of money to go to a place to learn how to do a bunch of things white guys standards are measured at full force.
Its because of everything that i don't think i am even ready to go to college. that maybe teaching.. or learning anything with post HS education is a bad idea for me.
Everytime i have to sit down to write a paper of how my senior year wa.. what i leave my classmates.. what is it like being a senior paper i want to scream and run into the room crying. i think of so much at once. so much has happened and unlike them.. because they are the smart ones... i have to stay back and put myself through one year of me and other beating my emotional self to a even more pitiful state.