So it gets harder.
much harder than it seams.
trying not to go crazy.
trying not to scream.
walking foot over foot.
tripping and sending my mind colliding.
I find myself shedding tears.
I botttle them up everymorning.
making sure nobody sees my fears.
I find myself wondering.
even when I am familar.
knowing not wear I am.
Or where I am going.
I am lost where I stand
With my thoughts in the air.
Wish I could breathe.
I forgot what I was thinking.
trying to see what it is I was dreaming.
I forgot why I lived.
to Create and to think.
a colorfull mess of dye in the sink.
A freedom I can't give up.
A freadom I have messed up.
and so I say to myself.
with words to calm what I think.
Try not to go Crazy.
Try hard not to scream.
Put one foot in front of the other.
Because it's not as hard as it seams.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
LLJ! - Loving Lipstick Jungle
I swear... since i worked in the fashion class a few years back my stly has jumped from badass goth girl too fabulously fashion.
I cannot help myself.
I used to go on buying frenzies too Hot Topic, Value Village, Walmart, and Joannes.. all to make my look.. no I go on buying frenzies to Lane Bryant, Macy's, Nordstroms, and Sephora to make a look happen.. don't forget Love Culture, Claires, and XXI Forever (forever 21 for those not privaledged to have one of the bigger Forever 21 stores) for all my must have jewelry.. because sometimes Macy's just isn't enough and Norstroms cost too much at times :P
I surprise my self in the looks i pull of.. occasionally shedding a couple tears to the mirror with envy of what i have done.. i look fab .. no.. double fab.. and all I need now is my black booties, a new job, and insurance for a car that will also.. hopefully.. not be a beat up mini-van like I am now in possession of.
oh.. I feel Macy's.com calling me to look at jewelry and christmas items.
Money.. what money.. i have no money left after working in the mall.. it all goes to the stores.. note to self.. need new stuff from M.A.C., Black House White Market, Coach, H&M (I will force myself into that store at some point... ugg)
I cannot help myself.
I used to go on buying frenzies too Hot Topic, Value Village, Walmart, and Joannes.. all to make my look.. no I go on buying frenzies to Lane Bryant, Macy's, Nordstroms, and Sephora to make a look happen.. don't forget Love Culture, Claires, and XXI Forever (forever 21 for those not privaledged to have one of the bigger Forever 21 stores) for all my must have jewelry.. because sometimes Macy's just isn't enough and Norstroms cost too much at times :P
I surprise my self in the looks i pull of.. occasionally shedding a couple tears to the mirror with envy of what i have done.. i look fab .. no.. double fab.. and all I need now is my black booties, a new job, and insurance for a car that will also.. hopefully.. not be a beat up mini-van like I am now in possession of.
oh.. I feel Macy's.com calling me to look at jewelry and christmas items.
Money.. what money.. i have no money left after working in the mall.. it all goes to the stores.. note to self.. need new stuff from M.A.C., Black House White Market, Coach, H&M (I will force myself into that store at some point... ugg)
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Yo! i'm not Bo-Yo!
lol.. you know I am not Bo-Yo.. i just thought his stuff on youtube was funny.. and have been humming "3.14 apple pi" all day.
Youtube is slowly becoming my addiction.. and so is e-bay.. and money.. amazing how making money helps. I get sucked into stuff and feeling the need to buy stuff. i need to stop that.. no. really. I have $22 in my account.. and got payed on Thursday.. hmm. bad
I don't work for Highline anymore btw... they laid me off in March because they didn't have enough money to pay me.. I was going to sign up with the school district again.. but since i don't have my car running... I didn't re-register. boo-hoo bo-yo.
have found some amazing artists lately.. Kina Grannis, Marie Digby, Missy Higgins, Malvina Reynolds, Bitter:Sweet, Misty Edwards, Ingrid Michealson.. and lots more.... like LOTS more...
Lipstick Jungle.. my FAVORITE show comes back in like.. 2 weeks.. on the 24th of September... which is bad.. because the Finale of RENT the musical is playing at the theater in the mall I work at that night.. uggg! I might just have to go and then watch Lipstick Jungle when I get home.. aggg! I can't believe I might miss it.. but its important to see the Finale!!! RENT is no longer on Broadway... *slight cry*
Youtube is slowly becoming my addiction.. and so is e-bay.. and money.. amazing how making money helps. I get sucked into stuff and feeling the need to buy stuff. i need to stop that.. no. really. I have $22 in my account.. and got payed on Thursday.. hmm. bad
I don't work for Highline anymore btw... they laid me off in March because they didn't have enough money to pay me.. I was going to sign up with the school district again.. but since i don't have my car running... I didn't re-register. boo-hoo bo-yo.
have found some amazing artists lately.. Kina Grannis, Marie Digby, Missy Higgins, Malvina Reynolds, Bitter:Sweet, Misty Edwards, Ingrid Michealson.. and lots more.... like LOTS more...
Lipstick Jungle.. my FAVORITE show comes back in like.. 2 weeks.. on the 24th of September... which is bad.. because the Finale of RENT the musical is playing at the theater in the mall I work at that night.. uggg! I might just have to go and then watch Lipstick Jungle when I get home.. aggg! I can't believe I might miss it.. but its important to see the Finale!!! RENT is no longer on Broadway... *slight cry*
Monday, December 24, 2007
LA LA LA LA LA LA!
I love soundtracks! Wicked! Enchanted! Rent! next I need Hairspray and The Lion King (music from the Broadway production) and the soundtrack from Spring Awakening..... I love show tunes... soundtracks.... I love music ^_^
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I should probably say....
I should probably say... for one.. whiskey is not good.. and it just.. is.. ewww.... and gets me drunk to fast.. even though I am too young... but it was testing.. I am very lucky i didnt wake up with a hang over.
for two... I have Carpal Tunnel.. not kidding I have to where this fun brace on my hand.. because I do not have the time nor money to go and get surgery done on my hand.
three. I miss my friends.. and I am so glad to have a few of them home for Christmas! Its amazing being near them again.. and its wonderful having Bri here... even though i don't get to talk to her much.. its good too know that she is okay after the shooting at her church in Colorado.
Four... I need my paycheck.. soon.. before everything sells out.. grrrrrrr.
for two... I have Carpal Tunnel.. not kidding I have to where this fun brace on my hand.. because I do not have the time nor money to go and get surgery done on my hand.
three. I miss my friends.. and I am so glad to have a few of them home for Christmas! Its amazing being near them again.. and its wonderful having Bri here... even though i don't get to talk to her much.. its good too know that she is okay after the shooting at her church in Colorado.
Four... I need my paycheck.. soon.. before everything sells out.. grrrrrrr.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Eep!
See here is the thing.. I don't ever check this account.. cause I mainly only check my Live journal.. because its set up to directly send stuff to my Yahoo.com e-mail.. while this one sends to my gmail.com e-mail.. so if you comment.. I really wont see it very fast...
newer news.. almost new boyfriend.. which I am trying to keep away.. for reasons I shall not explain...
church.. is amazing.. serisouly.... It has been turning me around in my tracks.. almost weirdly.. seriously.. to see me in gothy cloths anymore.. its kinda scary.. I still like them dark.. and black.. but I would say I am more of a preppy funky dresser... a bit of punk....a touch more classy.... but less glitzy... and jeans.. God performed a miracle when he made Lane Bryant's Right fit Jeans... I have never been more happier then when the lady said I was a size five Average. ^_^ w00t! and they come in Flare! hahahaha! so awesome!!! and they make my butt look amazing! ... I don't care if you didn't need to know that, I want to shout it from the rooftops! I have a sexy butt!
Dad is doing much better.. He is back to his old self and after 3 months of not working the let him go back to work around the middle of November.. which was really nice... Me and him had a lot of bonding time.. and I feel I got to know him more because I was able to just chill with him at home... He was also really thankful that even though Doug wouldn't... I went with him to every doctors appointment.. not because I he wanted me too.. but because i wanted someone there with him when he went.. in case something happened.. and for moral support.. it meant a lot to him that I stood by his side.
I got a raise within the school district.. I was getting paid $9.39 per hour... now I am getting $10.53.. it super cool... I love working for them.. I think.. they are one of the best schools in the Highline School District.. I love them.. and their staff party's are wayyyy fun :P
at Hallmark we are training tons of new girls.. like maybe 6... and we have a returner... that went and left to go to college two years ago.. who is now back and I get to help re train her. she is awesome. The other people are swiftly getting the hand of things because of all the holiday shoppers... but we are scheduling them for earlier shifts because of their level of expertise... I being one of them... will be closing every night every night for a week before Christmas.. did I mention we don't leave till 11:30 pm... which means i don't get to sleep till.... 112am.. and I have to get up at 5am to go to work at10 till 7 to sub.. then from there leave and head to work to work at Hallmark... I have to do that for about 5 days... this will be fun...... >.<
Oh.. I am still reading and painting.. I finished all my books except one.. which I am halfway through.. I got side tracked with the two jobs.. but I am reading Digital Fortress by Dan brown.. once I finish I need to head to Borders.. I have a ton of new History, Art, Theatre, and Fiction books I need to buy... most likely $250 worth of books.. then I head next door, If I go to Borders, and buy new watercolors, canvases, and paintbrushes.. because I am almost out of paints.. and these ones are horrible.. they are Crayola.. because I was feeling artsy.. but I had no time to get to the nearest Joannes to get new paint.. nor did I have the money.
well I better get off the computer.. I just spent over $300 on cloths.. and need to conserve energy so I don't have to pay extra on a huge bill I already know will be huge.. bills suck.. I am finding that out slowly.. I really hate bills.. they suck my money dry. X(
newer news.. almost new boyfriend.. which I am trying to keep away.. for reasons I shall not explain...
church.. is amazing.. serisouly.... It has been turning me around in my tracks.. almost weirdly.. seriously.. to see me in gothy cloths anymore.. its kinda scary.. I still like them dark.. and black.. but I would say I am more of a preppy funky dresser... a bit of punk....a touch more classy.... but less glitzy... and jeans.. God performed a miracle when he made Lane Bryant's Right fit Jeans... I have never been more happier then when the lady said I was a size five Average. ^_^ w00t! and they come in Flare! hahahaha! so awesome!!! and they make my butt look amazing! ... I don't care if you didn't need to know that, I want to shout it from the rooftops! I have a sexy butt!
Dad is doing much better.. He is back to his old self and after 3 months of not working the let him go back to work around the middle of November.. which was really nice... Me and him had a lot of bonding time.. and I feel I got to know him more because I was able to just chill with him at home... He was also really thankful that even though Doug wouldn't... I went with him to every doctors appointment.. not because I he wanted me too.. but because i wanted someone there with him when he went.. in case something happened.. and for moral support.. it meant a lot to him that I stood by his side.
I got a raise within the school district.. I was getting paid $9.39 per hour... now I am getting $10.53.. it super cool... I love working for them.. I think.. they are one of the best schools in the Highline School District.. I love them.. and their staff party's are wayyyy fun :P
at Hallmark we are training tons of new girls.. like maybe 6... and we have a returner... that went and left to go to college two years ago.. who is now back and I get to help re train her. she is awesome. The other people are swiftly getting the hand of things because of all the holiday shoppers... but we are scheduling them for earlier shifts because of their level of expertise... I being one of them... will be closing every night every night for a week before Christmas.. did I mention we don't leave till 11:30 pm... which means i don't get to sleep till.... 112am.. and I have to get up at 5am to go to work at10 till 7 to sub.. then from there leave and head to work to work at Hallmark... I have to do that for about 5 days... this will be fun...... >.<
Oh.. I am still reading and painting.. I finished all my books except one.. which I am halfway through.. I got side tracked with the two jobs.. but I am reading Digital Fortress by Dan brown.. once I finish I need to head to Borders.. I have a ton of new History, Art, Theatre, and Fiction books I need to buy... most likely $250 worth of books.. then I head next door, If I go to Borders, and buy new watercolors, canvases, and paintbrushes.. because I am almost out of paints.. and these ones are horrible.. they are Crayola.. because I was feeling artsy.. but I had no time to get to the nearest Joannes to get new paint.. nor did I have the money.
well I better get off the computer.. I just spent over $300 on cloths.. and need to conserve energy so I don't have to pay extra on a huge bill I already know will be huge.. bills suck.. I am finding that out slowly.. I really hate bills.. they suck my money dry. X(
Monday, September 10, 2007
Wow
Hello blog...
How have you been?
Hows the the other blogs? Are they treating you okay? Good Good. It's Lovely to hear that.
oh, Me? Well.. I have my ups and downs.... oh like what.. um.. do you want the up or downs first?
Downs, of course you do.. alright.. I'll list them for you.
I'm scared about college in the fall.
I have No money to move out or go to college with
I am afraid i will be in pedestrian mode forever and have to be sneaked into it by a hurt dog like in that clueless episode from the 4th grade
my dad had a artery to his haert collapse
then he had a heart attack
my dad has a 50 percent working heart
they might put in a pacemaker.. that will have a 50 /50 chance of helping him or killing him...
if it works he and my mom will move to Eastern Washington and leave me out here by myself.
Pressures of youth Leader are catching up... and I am feeling inadequate in the many position they have given me.
I am still haunted about my past.. not so much.. but more so into the fact i wont even let HIM touch me now.
I feel like i have been out of school for so long that going back now would be a waste and that i would loose all of my brain knowledge i spent so long working with Pina, McSweeny, and Victoria on learning this past year... and the the math help I will not get again from Heather...
I miss heather.. in a not so crushy way anymore... but in a way that if i saw her it would certainly take my breath for at least a couple seconds.. before i realized what i was thinking.. and then mentally hitting myself upside the head.
I got passed up for the supervisor position at work .. because i didn't have a car.. but i do have a car.. it just only goes backwards.. and i don't have a license.
All my best friends have moved onto college and bigger and better things.. i'm lucky if I get phone calls on occasion from them.
What? you think I'm rambling.. oh you have no idea... oh.. yeah.. i can tell you about the good stuff...
Epic 07 was amazing and opened my life up to a lot of things i haven't thought about before.
I spent close to $ 200
on books and I plan to read them all by the end of the year.. meanwhile sharing them with he rest of the Hallmark Gals I work with.
My dads heart is working at 50% which is higher then the two weeks ago that it was at 28%.
I have made a goal to be more spontaneous.. and I am sticking too it.
I am currently reading Wicked.. a book that i wanted to read for thee years now.. and i am oh so HAPPY to finally be reading it.
I have earned and picked up the nasty habit of annotating in my books.. the good ones.. and have scanned pages of post-its and page number about info i think is interesting... and despite it being nasty.. it helps me to calm down and put my mind to use when i am on 1 hour breaks at hallmark.
I have a new job with the Highline School District as a Clerical Substitute and my orientation is coming up very soon.
because of this new job i will be able to get my license and my insurance for my car...
I have stopped drinking monster... and have been clean of it for almost three weeks.. although.. i feel the need to buy it.... as much as I do a cigarette... I know its bad.. but they feel so good against my lips.
It seems this is the summer for boys to hit on me since any boy has being doing so.. and i have had many offers.. but only one I accepted on.. which turned into a 2 week long period of no talking because each others friends kept telling us stories about one another.. and we have been trying to change.. so figured we might as well just not date... and we are still on speaking term.. which is cool.
I have been letting the barrista's at Starbucks order my drinks for me.. because it fun to try different drinks....
I have taken up a hobby in letter writing to my friends away at college... and actually trying to be more social.. now that I don't have the back drop of school to help me...
Last year I got a 3.9 GPA for the year... and I am still celebrating it.. because i feel after thirteen years I am finally as smart as my teachers claim me to be.. alright.. three teachers did... the other ones put it down because they put that on everyones.
alright blog.. i need sleep.. i have to be up early to mail out letters, go with my dad to the doctors... grab lunch.. call HSD.. and then get to work over at Hallmark.
Tata!
How have you been?
Hows the the other blogs? Are they treating you okay? Good Good. It's Lovely to hear that.
oh, Me? Well.. I have my ups and downs.... oh like what.. um.. do you want the up or downs first?
Downs, of course you do.. alright.. I'll list them for you.
I'm scared about college in the fall.
I have No money to move out or go to college with
I am afraid i will be in pedestrian mode forever and have to be sneaked into it by a hurt dog like in that clueless episode from the 4th grade
my dad had a artery to his haert collapse
then he had a heart attack
my dad has a 50 percent working heart
they might put in a pacemaker.. that will have a 50 /50 chance of helping him or killing him...
if it works he and my mom will move to Eastern Washington and leave me out here by myself.
Pressures of youth Leader are catching up... and I am feeling inadequate in the many position they have given me.
I am still haunted about my past.. not so much.. but more so into the fact i wont even let HIM touch me now.
I feel like i have been out of school for so long that going back now would be a waste and that i would loose all of my brain knowledge i spent so long working with Pina, McSweeny, and Victoria on learning this past year... and the the math help I will not get again from Heather...
I miss heather.. in a not so crushy way anymore... but in a way that if i saw her it would certainly take my breath for at least a couple seconds.. before i realized what i was thinking.. and then mentally hitting myself upside the head.
I got passed up for the supervisor position at work .. because i didn't have a car.. but i do have a car.. it just only goes backwards.. and i don't have a license.
All my best friends have moved onto college and bigger and better things.. i'm lucky if I get phone calls on occasion from them.
What? you think I'm rambling.. oh you have no idea... oh.. yeah.. i can tell you about the good stuff...
Epic 07 was amazing and opened my life up to a lot of things i haven't thought about before.
I spent close to $ 200
on books and I plan to read them all by the end of the year.. meanwhile sharing them with he rest of the Hallmark Gals I work with.
My dads heart is working at 50% which is higher then the two weeks ago that it was at 28%.
I have made a goal to be more spontaneous.. and I am sticking too it.
I am currently reading Wicked.. a book that i wanted to read for thee years now.. and i am oh so HAPPY to finally be reading it.
I have earned and picked up the nasty habit of annotating in my books.. the good ones.. and have scanned pages of post-its and page number about info i think is interesting... and despite it being nasty.. it helps me to calm down and put my mind to use when i am on 1 hour breaks at hallmark.
I have a new job with the Highline School District as a Clerical Substitute and my orientation is coming up very soon.
because of this new job i will be able to get my license and my insurance for my car...
I have stopped drinking monster... and have been clean of it for almost three weeks.. although.. i feel the need to buy it.... as much as I do a cigarette... I know its bad.. but they feel so good against my lips.
It seems this is the summer for boys to hit on me since any boy has being doing so.. and i have had many offers.. but only one I accepted on.. which turned into a 2 week long period of no talking because each others friends kept telling us stories about one another.. and we have been trying to change.. so figured we might as well just not date... and we are still on speaking term.. which is cool.
I have been letting the barrista's at Starbucks order my drinks for me.. because it fun to try different drinks....
I have taken up a hobby in letter writing to my friends away at college... and actually trying to be more social.. now that I don't have the back drop of school to help me...
Last year I got a 3.9 GPA for the year... and I am still celebrating it.. because i feel after thirteen years I am finally as smart as my teachers claim me to be.. alright.. three teachers did... the other ones put it down because they put that on everyones.
alright blog.. i need sleep.. i have to be up early to mail out letters, go with my dad to the doctors... grab lunch.. call HSD.. and then get to work over at Hallmark.
Tata!
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